Scene opens, on the national stage: President Obama enters, stage very left:
President Obama: I want a clean bill raising the debt ceiling $2.4T
GOP: Hell no. We’ve done that too many times, and look where it got us. We learned from the election in 2010. No more clean bills.
Obama. Raise the debt ceiling. I’ve got more spending programs that I want to borrow for.
GOP: No. You only get a raise in the debt ceiling in exchange for spending cuts equal to or more than the increase.
Obama: And tax increases. Lots of tax increases. Stick it to the rich folks. Like me – I don’t need all my money.
GOP: Then write a check to the treasury. No tax increases in a recession.
Obama: Tax increases. Raise em up! Soak the rich.
GOP: Spending cuts. You don’t raise taxes in a recession. It’s job-killing.
Obama: Okay, you go first.
GOP: You’re the President. Show some leadership.
Obama: Um, no. I need you to go first so I can portray you as heartless. I’ve got an election coming up, and I’m already in campaign mode. Gotta go to a fundraiser…
GOP: Okay, here’s our budget. We’re going to vote on it and pass it as legislation in broad daylight. It’s based on the Ryan plan, and it controls deficits without tax increases.
Harry Reid: Extremists! Why do you always just say no.
GOP: We didn’t say no, we passed a budget.
Senate Dems: What’s a budget?
GOP: Okay, Mr. President. We went first. We passed a budget.
Obama: Extremists! Why do you always just say no?
GOP: Mr. President, we’re going to default if you don’t agree to debt reductions in exchange for the increase in the debt ceiling. Let’s talk.
Obama: Come on over. I have a plan.
Media: You have a plan? (Swoon)
Obama: Yes. It’s a BIG PLAN. $4T in cuts over ten years.
Media: Did you hear that? He has a BIG PLAN! What a leader.
Obama: It’s a balanced plan, with revenue increases and big cuts!
Right-wingers: Yeah? We’ve heard that before. Back in the Reagan years. He got snookered by you for tax increases now and spending cuts that never happened. Like Lucy pulling away the football, you guys always promise spending cuts in years 9 and 10 that never happen. Let’s see the plan.
Obama: I have a BIG PLAN.
Right-wingers: Yeah? Where is the plan? We want to read it. When do the cuts start?
Media: Didn’t you hear THE ONE. He’s the only adult in the room. He said he had a plan.
Right-wingers: Okay. Where is the plan?
Media: Are you not paying attention? He just said he had a plan. 5 minutes ago. Did you not hear him?
Charles Krauthammer: Where is the plan?
New York Times: Good God, you are stupid “domestic terrorists”. Did you not hear the President say he has a plan? Why do you always say no to everything? You are pushing us off a cliff. Tax the rich already.
Jake Tapper: Oh Obi-wan Obama, to whom I have pledged my allegiance, can you name just one spending cut in your BIG BALANCED PLAN?
Obama: Oh, there’s bunches of them. Tons of them. My BIG BALANCED PLAN is just chock full of them. Tax the rich, especially the evil corporate jet owners.
Tapper: Mr. President, I’m with you. I have my lips surgically attached to your backside as do all of my brethren here in the press corps. But, toss me a bone. Just name one specific cut!
Liberal Bloggers: Did you not hear the President? He has a BIG BALANCED PLAN. And it goes way too far and cuts way too deep! It’s an outrage! Tax the rich already and let’s be done with this and get back to borrowing and spending more. Time’s a wastin’.
Right-wingers: Really? It cuts too deep? How do you know? Where is the plan? Can we read it?
Media Matters: Fox News thinks the President is a Muslim, and is brainwashing the Tea Party to just say no to everything. And Bill O'Reilly is a fathead.
GOP: Hey, everyone. While we were waiting to see the President’s plan, we passed some new legislation. It calls for cuts in spending, a balanced budget, and raising the debt ceiling responsibly. Just debate it and pass it in the Senate and we avoid a credit default and…
Harry Reid: Nope. Too late. I tabled your extremist bill, you extremists. Didn’t need to actually vote on it because, hey, it might have passed the Senate too. Why are you so intransigent? Why do you always say no to everything?
GOP: We didn’t say no. We passed legislation. That’s what legislators do. You’ve heard of that, haven’t you?
Media: The GOP is intransigent and just says no. They should just agree to the President’s plan. He’s the reasonable one. Blessed be his name. Tax the rich.
Right-wingers: What plan? Is there something more than dreams and wishes and demands and press conferences? Is there something in writing?
GOP: Something we can vote on?
Obama: Hey, by the way, can I talk you out of $400 billion more of tax increases? I have more spending to do. Much, much, much more spending…Tax the rich.
GOP: Are you not listening? No tax increases in a recession.
Obama: But, it’s in my BIG BALANCED PLAN!
MoveOn.org: Which cuts too much! We’re going to impeach you if you carry through with your plan!
Right-wingers: Really? We hope it cuts too much. Can we just see the plan?
Michael Moore: We’re not broke. We just need to enslave all of the rich and confiscate their wealth and build hospitals in Cuba with it. That’s all. We’re not broke. Bush’s fault.
Media: When is everyone just going to agree to THE ONE’s plan? He’s super smart. He’s like way smart. Stop saying no to him. He’s compromised as much as he reasonably can…
Reid / Boehner: Maybe we should just talk amongst ourselves. Obama doesn’t seem to have a plan.
Reid: Voila! Here’s the Democrat plan.
Right-Wingers: Doesn’t seem like a plan. More like a vague outline. How much spending is cut, and when?
Reid: I’m not much of a numbers guy. Ask my staff. I’m sure that there is a plan in there somewhere…
Randy Masters: Where is the Democratic plan? What does it cut, and when? Give me a link to it…